Other than that, the Missouri Ozarks should be given a big miss by those who have that option. The weather’s horrible in both the summer and the winter and, for the most part, the people are not intelligent, educated, or experienced, i.e., they’re not well informed or worldly wise.

There are certainly exceptions, particularly in the more urban, but not urbane, Springfield, but those exceptions tend to be, like me, from elsewhere and there are very few of us. There’s not an indigenous core of cosmopolitan dwellers in the Missouri Ozarks—those who might have created such a core fled when given the chance, and the fleeing continues.

Most of the locals are very, very fat, very, very ugly, and very, very proud that they smoke a lot of cigarettes, never wear seat belts, and believe in the utter inerrancy of the Bible. It’s hard to comprehend, but there are probably more fundamentalist churches in the Missouri Ozarks than there are Starbucks and that’s regrettable in that, from discussions I’ve heard in both, Starbucks’ customers are, without exception, a godlier group.

Also, I don’t care what pictures you might have of your own Wal-Mart uglies, there could never, ever be fatter, uglier, more tattooed, grimier, more slack-jawed, less insightful men, women, and children than those who frequent the many Wal-Marts in the Ozarks. Vacant looks are badges of honor to most Ozark dwellers. I think it’s a product of decades of inbreeding, like an extra toe or webbed fingers.

There are so many drawbacks to living in the Missouri Ozarks that one is baffled when asked to list them. Where to begin? I suppose communications, e.g., newspapers, television stations, and radio stations, is a good place to start.

The primary newspaper in the greater Springfield area is The Springfield News-Leader. The paper is one of Gannett’s almost 1,100 daily and weekly newspapers. Its main purpose is the same as the primary purpose of all Gannett newspapers, i.e., to provide high-priced advertising space to local businesses while not offending conservative readers. News is secondary, unless it’s sports news, particularly local sports news, which gets much more ink than it deserves.

The Springfield News-Leader publishes several local and national columnists; only one of whom writes truly deep, serious, even profound, pieces. This sole columnist invariably makes more sense than all the other columnists combined—perhaps that’s why his column is limited to every other week.

The Springfield News-Leader’s editorials are mostly “feel good” fluff pieces designed to rock no boats and to cling safely to the tree base, leaving limbs for the foolhardy. The editorial staff’s secret motto calls subtly to the readers “Wait for me! I’m your leader!”

The local NPR station is slightly better than its counterpart in Rolla, Missouri, but it’s still plagued by local rookies whose grammar, diction, pronunciations, and areas of interest when concocting local projects are decidedly amateurish.

The rest of the radio dial—AM and FM—is freighted with McChristianism ranging from why everyone who doesn’t buy into the evangelist-du-jour’s flat-world-view is going to hell to why everyone can achieve financial independence by accepting Geez-U.S. as their lord and savior as well as their financial guru.

The local television stations compose a true backwater of televisionland. Inarticulate, homely, unattractive, nerdy, and unselfconsciously childish rapport mark the news readers and the weather reporters.

Breathless reports about local events seek to elevate the chronically sub-mundane to the sublime, accented with sloppy camera work and poor editing. SNL’s finest mockeries could not match the embarrassment thinking people feel when they see and hear local television news.